Let’s talk about the past two weeks of Champions League ladies and germs. We’ve had some huge matchups in the last sixteen and the games didn’t disappoint (unless ya know you’re a Manchester United, Chelsea, or PSG fan…then they really hurt). So let’s go through em, I’ll give you my thoughts, and then you can shit talk me. Sounds good? Alright fam, let’s git 'er done.
Real Madrid 5 – 2 PSG
So this is my highlight of the UCL Round of 16 match ups. Going into this game, both teams had a lot on the line. Let’s first talk Real Madrid. Madrid have been lethal in the champions league this season, but ya gotta be blind or disillusioned to say that Madrid’s at the same level as they were in the years past. They’ve struggled in La Liga all year and a lot of people, pundits, and reddit shit talkers have questioned Zizou about his management skills and even Ronaldo’s age. So if Madrid lost this game, they would have been vilified by the media, their team would officially be on the decline, and Zizou and the old guard of Madrid would probably be cycled out of the club. Let’s flip to PSG. PSG spent an uber amount of money this summer (and the past 5 years). So expectations were huge. Last year, they crashed out to Barca in humiliating fashion, so expectations were huge---huger? So with all on the line, Real Madrid showed their might. Showed why they should absolutely be feared. Don’t you dare count Madrid out of this tournament just yet, or you’re gonna have Ronaldo, Ascensio, Kroos and the mad man Sergio Ramos to deal with. While Madrid might have found all the answers and proved to the world that their time ain’t over yet, PSG is in the corner of the class wearing a dunce hat. Think of PSG as a Chad. Think of them as the kid who threatens to call his dad, who’s a lawyer, when he gets booted.
And boiii, that’s what they’re gonna do. Call up that sweet sweet oil money and try to put more stars into the team, while everyone else points and laughs. Their tactic of outspending NATO did not pay off and shows that ya gotta have more than an average coach and a stupid amount of money. Madrid seal their way into the quarters with a demanding win, and look set to challenge for their third Champions League Trophy in as many years. Hala Madrid?
Tottenham 3 -4 Juventus
Bottles bottles and more bottles. Man, can Tottenham endure any more pain? Probably. So Tottenham and Juventus went into the match at Wembley after a hard fought, impressive draw in Torino. All was on the line and all Tottenham had to do was not bottle it. Guess what they did? (Here’s a hint: Look at the first sentence of the paragraph). After going up from a brilliant Hueng-min Son goal, they were in perfect position to snatch this match (deservedly so) and move on for the first time in god knows how long. Juventus quoted the man, the myth, the legend, Mutumbo and said “No, no, no” and breathed life into Juventus and Arsenal fans world wide.
With more tactical expertise than Winston Churchill, Max Allegri went to work at half time. He brought on two subs that immediately changed the game and exposed Tottenham’s defense. Within 5 minutes of bringing Lichtsteiner and Asamoah on, the fat man, known as Gonzalo Higuain, levels the game. 3 minutes later, Paulo Dybala slips another past Lloris in goal and puts Juventus in the driving seat. From there, Juventus does what it does best. DEFENDS. Honestly, if there’s ever a world war, I’m calling dibs on Juventus’ defense to protect my home. I have utter confidence in them. Gigi and Chielleni were actually screaming and punching each other after each clearance or save. It was a beautiful sight. Like I got unnecessarily excited and started screaming and punching Kevin. It was a good time to be alive. Juventus got through on grit, experience, and talent, and Tottenham crashes out…again. Maybe next year Spurs.
Liverpool 5 - 0 Porto
I mean, what did we really expect? I’m not gonna spend a lot of time on this because everyone and their mother figured L’pool was going to run train on Porto. Even with Casillas in goal (he still plays btw), Porto were humiliated 5-0 in the first leg. Mane got a slick hat trick, Salah shocked the world with his juggling goal, and Bobby Firminho snuck in another goal for good measure. Klopps gonna Klopp and play some beautiful attacking soccer, but god damn guys, please do this to Barca or Sevilla next. I’m begging you.
Manchester City 5 – 2 FC Basel
Again, same thing as above…did you expect anything different? Nah. City showed their tactical and individual strength and talent for the umpteenth time this season and dominated Basel in Switzerland, but lost for the first time at the Etihad since December 2016. So the question becomes, how is City going to fair against the big dawgs like Madrid, Bayern, Juve, or Barca? That will be fun to watch and I can’t wait to see who they draw for the round of 8. I think Pep will relish the opportunity to go up against a European giant and City will have an opportunity to show that they are the real real deal and not to be taken lightly, no matter who you are.
Manchester United 1 – 2 Sevilla
So this hurts, this really really hurts. If you listen to the LADS podcast, you know I’m a pessimistic, realistic Manchester United fan so I feel like I can stay sorta impartial here. Not really, but it’s my blog so fuck off. Let’s talk about Sevilla first. They are the winners and rightfully so. They dominated in the first game and the second half of the second leg. They won all the second time balls, dominated the shot count and were able to keep any United attack from producing goals. It was clinical and huge credit to them. Steven Nzonzi showing his class and why he’s been linked to some European giants this summer. Ben Yedder ruining United’s hopes and glory with two clinical goals allowed them to push through into the next round.
Now, let’s get to the shitty part. Manchester United under Jose Mourinho. What a joke of a display over the two legs. Timid, shy, scared and every other synonym of “dogshit” I can think of. United as a team played conservative, and when they play in this matter they’re not only the most boring team to watch, but it’s pathetic to see. United was not and should not be a conservative team. Sir Alex’s philosophy was “Attack, attack, attack” and that’s when United looks best, even under Mourinho. The tactical decisions Mo made only heightened the weaknesses in the United squad and they paid dearly for it. To go out in this matter is depressing and shows the true “progress” United has made post Fergie. To make matters worse, I watched the game with a black out drunk Barcelona fan who talked shit the ENTIRE time. This was me after Yedder’s second goal.
It was horrible. Sevilla on to the next and I can’t wait to see what they can do in the next round.
Barcelona 4 – 1 Chelsea
WHAT HAPPENED? Chelsea plays brilliantly the first leg with Willian looking like the most dangerous Brazilian in the world and it finishes with a hard fought, well deserved 1-1 draw at the Bridge. Messi scored his first ever goal against Chelsea to get that draw. The second leg….well that was a whole different story. I don’t know whether to congratulate Messi on making Chelsea’s goalkeeper, Courois, look like a fool or to congratulate Courtois on actually having the cojenes to make such big mistakes. Messi megs him in the first 3 minutes from a ridiculous angle and after that Courtois was rattled. Dembele scores his first (and hopefully last) goal for Barcelona to make it 2-0 in the first twenty minutes and never looked back. Messi added his third goal against Chelsea in the second half to make the game unreachable. Again megged Courtois as if the first wasn’t enough humiliation. For all of Chelsea’s hard work in the first game, they ruined it all in the second leg. At least they hit the post 4 times. I guess the silver lining from a Chelsea/anti-Conte perspective was Diego Costa’s Instagram story.
TL;DR: Barca’s still stupid good and every team should be scared of them. Can’t wait to see who they draw next, cuz get your popcorn, it’s gonna be fun.
Bayern 8 – 1 Besiktas
So, Bayern just truly enjoys humiliating teams in the round of 16. That’s a fact and that’s all I’ll say.
Roma 2 – 2 Shakhtar Donetsk (Roma through on away goals)
In a surprising first leg, Shakhtar shocked Rome and won 2-1 at home. Everyone was counting Roma out, but ya never count the big men out. Eden Dzeko and his towering headers brought Roma the win in the second leg, and due to the away goal rule, which I love, Roma goes through to the next round. Roma can play some fun, fast paced, soccer and will be interesting to see if they get a “smaller” team in the next round.
SO at the end of the day, we have 2 teams from Italy, 2 from England, 3 from Spain, and 1 from Germany in the next round, and with the draw tomorrow, it’s time to get excited. Now that my team’s out of the fight and lying to the side, whimpering and making excuses, I want to end this by giving ya’ll the matches I want to see in the next round. I’m calling UEFA this afternoon to see if I can bribe them to make these matches happen. But they’re not FIFA, so we’ll see.
Dream Match ups
Barcelona vs. Juventus
Real Madrid vs. Manchester City
Bayern Munich vs. Roma
Sevilla vs. Liverpool
- Martin Frasier