Bad Champions League Semi-Finals Predictions

Real Madrid vs. Bayern Munich

The Pride of Germany against the Three-peat Hopefuls.  What a game we have in the books for Wednesday afternoon.  I mean I’ve already accepted the fact that I will not be working from 2:40-4:00pm and I’m 100% okay with that.  So let’s talk about these two teams before we see them fuck shit up tomorrow.

Bayern Munich.  Okay, we know they’re a domestic beast that no one can handle.  Lewangoalski is a phenom and a poacher in front of goal.  And oh my gahd, oh my gahd their defense is phenomenal even without their main German/Aryan fantasy boy guarding the sticks.  When Neuer went down early this season, I’m not gonna lie.  I thought it was over for Bayern, but Sven Ulreich has filled in brilliantly.  Under the management of Ancelotti, this team was stagnant, but ever since King Henykes took over, there’s been a fire lit under their ass.  They won the Bundesliga 3 weeks ago and faced little trouble over the course of their season.  I mean, they’ve only lost 3 games this season.  And they play electric soccer.  Watching this team build from the back and unleash hell through Robben, Mueller, and James is the closest sensation to sex with a pornstar I’ll ever get to experience.  They have the ability to switch from defense to attack within seconds and the skill they have in the final third is unparrelled (except by Ronni and co).  Lewandowski and James have played brilliantly and Mueller’s had a season to remember.  This is an incredibly strong team going into the Semis…but of course they were drawn to play the Champions of last year (and the year before, and two years before that)

Real fucking Madrid.  The Patriots of the Champions League.  Real Madrid is in phenomenal form in the Champions League this year.  This is their bread and butter.  Mmm bread and butter. ANYWAYS. Real Madrid’s attack is led by the GOAT (yall can argue if he’s the goat at another point.  As of right now, there’s only one goat in the Champions League still) himself and he’s having a hayday in front of goal.  The man has scored 22 goals in his last 19 games.  He scored a ridiculous, mind blowing, mouth open bicycle against one of the best defenses in the world.  And to cap it all off, he doesn’t seem to age normally.  He just gets better like fine wine.  Plus he looks like fine wine.  So the man’s got it all.  The best part is the team is built around him and around success.  Flanked by Isco, Modric, and Kroos in the midfield, Real Madrid has some of the best playmakers/passers in the game right now.  These three homies find Ronnie and Benz on streaking runs on the regular and rarely put a foot wrong.  If Bale can break into the squad, he is a danger on the right and can undo defenses with his speed.  And if not, well Zizou still has Acensio or Vasquez to bring on to change the game.  This team is built for success and now that the League is basically done, this is what their season success relies upon.  Zizou knows that.  Ronnie knows that.  Madrid knows that.  For all of their attacking talent, there is a bit of question in the goal keeper.  For years, Madrid has been trying to snag De Gea to replace the samurai warrior that is Keylor Navas.  Expect Madrid to press high and rely on Varane and Ramos to keep Navas and their goal safe. 

I think this game will be a wide open match with both teams trying to exploit the weaknesses in goal.  While some teams come out timid and reserved against great teams, neither of these teams have ever shown a conservative streak.  They want to win and they want to dominate, so expect a fun game.   While Bayern has undoubtedly a great team, I expect that Real Madrid’s talent and previous success in the Champions League to be the turning point.  Ronaldo will turn into super Ronaldo and get two goals in the first leg and Ramos and Varane will be able to control Lewandowski’s presence in the box via some elbowing and headbutting.  It’ll be a sick fucking game and I can’t wait to see it.

1st Leg Prediction: Real Madrid 3 – 1 Bayern Munich

Liverpool vs. Roma

Wow.  So I don’t think anybody saw this coming.  If you asked me what teams I thought were gonna be in the semi final of the Champions League, I 100% would not have guessed these two teams.  But here we are, and if anything else, the last couple games in the UCL prove that these teams are no joke. 

Liverpool FC.  Aka Attack Attack Attack FC.  I mean nobody can deny that this team is the best team to watch week in week out.  I mean anytime Salah (kudos on the PFA player of the year dude), Bobby Firminho, and Mane get on the ball…well I’m putting my beer down, moving to the edge of my seat and watching this beautiful attack unfold.  Unparalleled in their attack.  I’ll say that right now.  In the past 4 months, since the arrival of VVD (who I was very critical of) and the emergence of Karius (again, I talked mad shit), their defense has actually turned from a dumpster fire to a steaming pile of poo.  So, what I’m trying to say is they’ve made yuuuuge progress in their backfield and don’t seem to be conceding dumbass goals (I’m gonna ignore the game @ the Hawethornes this weekend where they did give up a two goal lead).  Liverpool definitely has the advantage going into the game.  Their unquestionably the better team, and led by a SCINITLATING attack that wreaks havoc on basically every team in the Premier League.   At this stage of their season, Klopp’s only focus is the Champions League and you can bet your ass that they’ll be prepped hard for this game and ready to fight come 2:45 tomorrow.

Roma.  The underdawgs.  The team everyone wrote off against Barcelona.  What a fairy tale story this has turned out to be.  Down 3-1 to Barcelona, nobody expected them to compete, but compete they did and after a God-like performance from Manolas, they moved on.  To beat Liverpool, they’re going to have to do the exact same thing they did against Barcelona.  Incredibly tidy in the back, and cut off their key players.  It’s been done before.  And wouldn’t it just be horrible if Roma went on to the Champions League final the year after Totti leaves L.  Anyways, Roma’s squad needs to step up and step up big time again.  Manolas and De Rossi had stellar games against Barcelona, and need to inspire a similar performance from the team this time around.  Anything can happen in this league, and we very well might see a shootout (not a PK shootout.  A shootout, shootout) in the semi final. 

The  game tomorrow will be played at Anfield, which will be a huge boost for the Liverpool players.  On their own turf, and we’ve seen exactly how the city of Liverpool turns up for Champions League matches.  But this can also play into Roma’s hands of being the underdog.  The upset to end all upsets.  But in my professional opinion, Liverpool’s got this in the bag.  @me if you think otherwise and I’ll buy you a beer cuz I want Roma to win just as much as TOtti.  Well maybe not that much, but I’ll be a Roma supporter.

1st Leg Prediction: Liverpool 4 – 2 Roma